$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
