I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
