I don't usually arrange sex via text message
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
