Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
