I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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