Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
