'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
