Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
