We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
