She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
