My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
