wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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