living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
