she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
