i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
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