Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
i will never coherently bang her
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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