Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
