is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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