can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
