im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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