a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
