My liver just broke up with me...
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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