I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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