You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
