I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
