True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
