I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
