i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
