I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
