Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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