i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
