I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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