Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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