Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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