and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
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