I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I fill condoms, not promises.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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