I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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