Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
