Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
