Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
