so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
