i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
