people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
