I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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