a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
