I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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