Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
