I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
