So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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