Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
