low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
