This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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