K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
