I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
