The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
