my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
